''Very funny on almost every page, wonderfully self-deprecating and very sharp on the ludicrous behaviour of the modern player'' - Sunday Times''The funniest man in British sport'' - Metro**A Sunday Times Sports Book of the Year****Shortlisted for the National Book Awards****Longlisted for the Telegraph Sports Book Awards Autobiography of the Year**You become a footballer because you love footballAnd then you are a footballer, and you''re suddenly in the strangest, most baffling world of all. A world where one team-mate comes to training in a bright red suit with matching top-hat, cane and glasses, without any actual glass in them, and another has so many sports cars they forget they have left a Porsche at the train station.Even when their surname is incorporated in the registration plate.So walk with me into the dressing-room, to find out which players refuse to touch a football before a game, to discover why a load of millionaires never have any shower-gel, and to hear what Cristiano