All the Tea in China - a Mortdecai novel by Kyril Bonfiglioli, soon to be a major film starring Johnny Depp''One of the funniest writers ever'' UncutAfter committing a crime anyone but a close relative might forgive, Karli Mortdecai Van Cleef leaves Holland double-quick with his uncle''s buckshot lodged firmly in the seat of his breechesDiscretion being the least-idiotic part of valour he decides to hide far away in London, among the tea shops and opium dens. On savouring these Eastern delicacies and knowing an opportunity when he sups upon one, young Karli throws in his lot with an opium clipper bound for China''s high seas.Life on the ocean waves, however, is full of perils for an officer and his sensitive digestive tract: mountainous waves, an encounter with a malodorous slave ship, the captain''s wife''s pulse-racingly brief wardrobe, several hordes of pirates, mutiny, the ship''s cook''s fondness for curry - to name but a few.All the Tea in China is a swaggering, rip-snorting, buc